On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
