last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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