Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
