the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
