I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
