but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
