the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Randomize
