his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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