New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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