Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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