4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Can I color on your dick again?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
