I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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