How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
