my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
