glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
