nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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