you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
