This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
