tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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