3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
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