Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
