You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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