Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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