Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
