found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
