I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
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