i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
