I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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