flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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