I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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