His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
