70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
