Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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