Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
