STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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