Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
