If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
