Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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