I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
