And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
