Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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