I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
