I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
