So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
