i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
