you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
