I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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