I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
