Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
