my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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